A New Career Option for Ex-Cons: White-Collar Jail Prep Tutor

Prison BarsFrom insider trading to getting ready for life "on the inside" -- The Wall Street Journal reports that convicted white-collar criminals are increasingly paying for prison prep from former inmates.

Lessons include avoiding physical altercations (instead of raising your fists to a truculent fellow prisoner, curl your body into a ball on the floor) and deciphering jailhouse lingo: '"A 'cheese eater' is an informant. A 'blanket party' is throwing a blanket over an inmate, then beating him. 'Diesel therapy' is when trouble-making inmates are shackled and driven around in the back of a prison bus."

Among the "the panicky white-collar criminals" said to be using this service is Garrett Bauer, who "made tens of millions of dollars illegally trading on stock tips." Bauer used a distinctly modest financial metaphor to describe his plans for surviving the federal hoosegow: "I'm going to be new, so you don't want to stick your two cents in."

Bauer's new-found timidity should serve him well in a setting where a man is expected to say "excuse me" when he bumps into someone, whether or not it's his fault. Other rules of prison etiquette include never sitting on another man's bunk, never watching TV in another man's chair, never reaching across someone else's plate at mealtime ("That could be immediately answered with a fork in your arm," says Mr. [Patrick] Boyce, a former stockbroker who completed 11 months in the pen in 2004"), and never removing another man's laundry from the machine.

Boyce hired a convicted fraudster and prison consultant to assist him when he was facing the start of his sentence. Now, he works in the same field, promoting himself as a "federal mitigation specialist."


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i wonder it is hard on ex convicts believe me i am one for over 20 years out i have work odd job just stay out of prison these punks go lil prison get out know someone whos gets em these jobs i paid my price but i never live it down so why do punk like this get back in to good money of course its who u know if ur black or u poor and white ur axx never lives it down

March 27 2012 at 6:47 PM Report abuse +1 rate up rate down Reply

Don't forget to include some tactical dating and std prevention tips for when Bubba's in a frisky mood.

March 27 2012 at 3:53 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Marilyn and Joe

find an honest man?most likely sleeping in a doorway,broke hungry or dead.if yiou have money your most likely a crook of some sort or a small business man who pays minimum wage with no benifits and then complain about food stamps my half lives from paycheck to paycheck and 2 benefits christmas and new years off.and in some cas4es not even themwe need a new set of rules before all the money people move to costa rica or the moon.

March 27 2012 at 2:40 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

This just goes to show, as in such cases as Garrett Bauer, Ivan Boesky, Bernard Madoff, and Martha Stewart, the rich cannot always buy justice!

A lot of people think white-collar criminals still get off easy buy doing their time at what are mistakenly thought to be country clubs, but this not true. Prison is prison, even at minimum-security prisons.

And besides, such famous criminals still have to pay the consequences of their actions, even after they are released from prison. This is because of the many legal restrictions against convicted felons, not to mention the negative social stigma that comes with convicted-felon staus. Convicted felons cannot be in such professions as medicine, law, and finance. Cannot own any kind of firearm, cannot vote or hold public office, and cannot visit such countries as Canada and Great Britain, unless granted a convicted felon visa. Martha Stewart was denied a convicted felon visa to visit Great Britain.

The only way I know of to get relief from convicted felon visa is to be lucky enough to be granted a full Presidential pardon. Dear readers, I am sure you know that is so hard to get, that it is like winning the lottery!

So the moral of this posted comment is: stay on the right side of the law. Do not get convicted of a crime and get sent to prison. Unless, you have the misfortune of getting framed for a crime you did not commit, through no fault of your own.

Here in the real world it does happen where the innocent are wrongfully convicted and sent to prison. It also happens where the guilty are mistakenly found innocent and get away with their crimes.

After all, we do not live in the paralell universe of "The Brady Bunch"!

March 27 2012 at 12:22 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Interesting to note that at least 4 of the 9 have turned to reality TV to help rebuild their coffers. Sad to note that the public tunes in to watch.

March 26 2012 at 10:55 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Corzine needs to sign up!

March 26 2012 at 5:26 PM Report abuse +2 rate up rate down Reply