Of all the boudoir hazards that can put wedded bliss on the rocks, perhaps none is less discussed, but more disgusting, than chronic flatulence. But where marriage therapists and proctologists have failed, a science teacher claims to have succeeded: Behold the Better Marriage Blanket.
While I've never suffered from a single episode of flatulence in my life, I was happy to investigate this new product that claims it "Completely and Quickly Absorbs the Odor of Flatulence."
Q: Dare we ask how his thing works?
A: Glad to explain. While the inventor doesn't want to give away the secret recipe, the Better Marriage Blanket utilizes a polyester layer, activated carbon and odor-absorbing fabric in between its outer layers. But we at WalletPop have some ideas for improvements. Like: A pouch that holds a jumbo bottle of Beano. And a matching diaper that the guilty spouse would wear, made of the same fabric compound. It's all about attacking the problem at the source, ya know.
Q: How much does it cost?
A: Prices range from $120 (39.95 times three payments) for twin to $180 (59.95 times three payments) for king. We have no idea if "twin" or "king" refer to the size of the blanket, or the nature of the problem.
Q: I'm curious about this product, but I'm ashamed to admit that I snore, too. Is there any hope for me?
A: All that air rattling from both ends of you sounds like a heap of trouble, buster. You don't want to wind up collapsing on yourself like, say, a black hole. Let's not take that metaphor any farther.
Q: Couldn't they come up with a more original name than the Better Marriage Blanket?
A: You bet. We're liking "You've Gone Too Fart." And "Bubble Wrap." And some variation on the "Odor Eaters" theme, though we understand that's trademarked.
Q: So the folks behind the Better Marriage Blanket say it "makes a great gift." Is this true?
A: They say it's ideal for "weddings" (imagine writing out the Thank You card), "birthdays" (thus giving the expression "old fart" new meaning) and "a humorous occasion." Hmmmm. "Hey honey! Here's your new Better Marriage Blanket! And guess what? It'll absorb all your gas!!! HA HA HA." The next sound, of course, would be your butt, toxic or not, landing on the couch with a thud.
Q: Products that hit it big usually spin off into other products. Any sign of that yet?
A: Nope. But we can think of a few, including a Better Divorce Blanket (eliminates unwanted partners through odor) ... and "Flatulens" X-Ray Public Transit Goggles (see the source of the odor, and kindly offer him your blanket).
Q: Is it worth the money?
A: You can't put a price on love, but sanity is another story. And while cheaper alternatives exist (a can of Lysol, nose plugs, cork), so do more expensive ones: marriage counseling, bigger beds, and the Lasko 3135 30" Oscillating Industrial Pedestal Fan. We don't know if the Better Marriage Blanket will work, honestly. But just like marriage itself, it's a bit of a crap shoot. Let's not take that metaphor any farther.
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