WalletPop writer Zac Bissonnette tells us that the iconic Energizer Bunny is up for auction and expected to fetch at least $18,000. This has no doubt raised many questions, not only among possible bidders and pop culture mavens, but those who regarded the stuffed mechanical creature in shades as the visual equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. (He even made WalletPop's list of Most Annoying Corporate Mascots.) Allow me, a former pop culture correspondent for the Chicago Tribune, to set the record straight.
Q: I want to buy the Energizer bunny, then blow him up. How much explosives will I need?
A: Listed as 12.5" x 25" x 15", the Energizer Bunny is small enough that you don't need TNT or nitroglycerin to do the job. A well-timed leap from atop your couch, for example, would create a minimum of 10 kilograms per force meter, or 72.33 pounds per force foot. That should be enough to squash him. And if it isn't, well ... you know ... keep going, and going, and going.
Q: But I really want to blow him up. Bad. Those commercials annoyed me. How much explosives will I need?
A: Based on his size, four M-80 firecrackers, one tied to each limb, should render the bunny drawn and quartered. You will need a federal explosives license to obtain these.
But instead of spending upwards of $18,000 for the privilege of blowing up the real bunny, consider this more cost-effective alternative: Replay an Energizer Bunny ad on a cheap TV and shoot it with a Smith & Wesson .22 caliber rifle. In particular, the M&P15-22 is well-suited for a variety of recreational shooting applications.
Q: Didn't Energizer at one time try another mascot -- some Aussie guy with a blond spiky hairdo named Jacko?
A: Correct. And Mark "Jacko" Jackson used to yell at the very top of his shrimp-on-the-barbie lungs, "ENERGIZER! IT'LL SURPRISE YA!!! OI!!!" While that sounds obnoxious, there's nothing more grating than an animal that marches around with a permanent smirk on its face. Like the Road Runner of hardware.
Q: What if the Energizer folks had tried some Aussie a bit more subtle -- say, that baldie Peter Garrett from Midnight Oil?
A: Nah. We're voting for someone more jolting, like the late Bon Scott of AC/DC. Get it? Energizer? AC/DC? Anyway ...
Q: Come on. What happened to Jacko?
A: The former Australian Rules Football player tried his hand at singing. And he actually had a number one hit Down Under with "I'm an Individual." But the follow up didn't do so well.
Q: Why not?
A: Let's start with the title: "Me Brain Hurts."
Q: Was "Me Brain Hurts" autobiographical?
A: You listen to enough pound-the-drum Energizer Bunny commercials and it'll be autobiographical for you, too, kiddo.
Q: Fine. So why did Energizer retire the bunny? Didn't he do more than 100 commercials since his debut in 1989?
A: The story is a bit more complicated than that. We understand that on his very last ad shoot, bargain-brand batteries were used, and ...
Q: The seller is anonymous collector. Why not reveal himself?
A: Are you serious?
Q: OK. Any leads on prospective buyers?
A: We have our pet theories about certain bloke out for revenge. We can't say who, but: "IT'LL SUPRISE YA!!! OI!!!"
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