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Tips For Tax Procrastinators -- Don't use these strategies

Tracey has presented a number of excellent ways to deal with your tax procrastination. To reinforce her message, I thought I'd mention a few strategies that you should avoid at all costs, such as ---

Don't call the IRS while in your cups and warn them that the Freedom of Information act will allow you to learn the agent's addresses, and that you will go medieval on their asses if they force you into a corner.

Don't offer to meet them in the lobby of the Mayflower Hotel on April 17th at 4 p.m. in hopes of 'persuading' them to overlook your tax debt. Don't tell them the stop word is "Eliot".

Don't offer to become a stoolie, or bring proof that your uncle Bruce is skimming quarters from his newspaper box route, in hopes they will waive your debt.

Don't try to pay in pennies, yuan, venison, or ganja.

Don't write your check on a piece of spoiled meat or a dirty diaper.

Don't try to convince them you're the Holy Church of Bob and therefore exempt from taxes. The IRS has no patience with propheteers.

Don't fake insanity. Insanity is a hard defense to use for not paying taxes; actually, as a taxpayer, it helps to be a little crazy, so you don't deliberate too long on which sinkhole your money is pouring into.

Don't threaten to take the case to your buddy, President Bush. He pays taxes just like you do. (Yeah, right!)

Finally, don't wear your Armani suit, your Patek Phillipe Watch, your Coach bag and Manolo Blahnik shoes to your meeting with the IRS agent. Unless you really want to pay more taxes.

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